Let’s be honest… Nothing about Fitness and Health is easy. Everyone likes to think that once we find the secret to our heath that there is no turning back. We have finally found that KEY to maintaining our healthy new lifestyle and keeping the pounds away. Well, the truth is life has a way of messing up our greatest laid plans. Even when we have the very best intentions to stay on track.
If you’ve read my Blogs, or follow me on other Social Media, you know my backstory well. I was that typical mom who let herself go and ended up hating myself for all the weight gain. Through self motivation and determination, I was able to lose 50 pounds on my own in only six months. After the weight came off it was easy to maintain. I keep up with my fitness and healthy eating and my weight never moved. That was…. Until the great depression of 2015.
After a year of busting my @$$ for a Bikini Competition, my Coach dropped me 6 weeks before my show. As if that wasn’t stressful enough, my Wife was away from home a lot due to her work schedule and going back to school full time. Our girls were only 3 at the time and I couldn’t get them to understand why their Mama T wasn’t home that often. So the tantrums started. They weren’t sporadic, they weren’t once a week, they were ALLLLLLLLL day, EVERY day. You want to talk about one stressed out Mama?? Yup, that would be this girl, here!
So, with my Coach dumping me right before my first Show and my Girls always crying I reached my breaking point. I no longer saw the point in going to the gym daily or watching what I ate because, lets face it, I’m not competing! So I threw everything away and took a heavy nose dive into a binge/depression.
I stopped caring about being so strict because getting on stage was no longer in the cards for me. I saw all the hard work and dedication I had poured into this over the last year just get thrown away. At this point, I just no longer saw the need to continue. Soon everything in sight was an edible option again. For the first time in a year I ate junk food, had unhealthy meals, and stopped paying attention to the food I was eating. As you can imagine, the weight came back. And with a nasty vengeance.
When I got into the sport of competitive body building I had many people warn me about the “Post Show Weight Gain” and to avoid binge eating because the weight gain would be fast. This is a hard lesson I learn, and fast. In only three weeks after losing my Coach I gained 30 pounds. Yes… Three Weeks and Thirty Pounds!
You would think the, nearly instant, weight gain would be enough to slap me out of it and get back on track. Wrong! It only pushed me further into depression. The rapid weight gain made me beyond self conscious. I was back to the days where nothing I owned fit and I hated my body once again. A place I >>NEVER<< thought I would be again after losing the weight the first time. But here I was once again, hating the person I saw in the mirror and hiding myself from friends and from public.
The depression continued and the pounds continued to add up. Soon I had gained back 40 of the original 50 pounds I had lost. Yup, I was onboard the ultimate depression train. I was back to hating my body, cringing at my weight, but denying that I had a problem. I kept telling myself that I was “healthy” because I was still teaching Fitness Classes multiple times a week. That counted as a workout, right? I was I total denial that I needed to get my act together. I was in the mindset that I KNOW what I need to do and that I wasn’t that far gone as I really was.
Over the next few months I would make a Social Media declaration that I was ready to get back on track, lose the weight and get back to the gym. Although that is what I said I wanted, and what I thought I wanted, it wasn’t what I TRULY wanted. At least not yet. I wasn’t in the mindset to fall back into such a lifestyle. You can say you are ready all you want, but it isn’t until you are truly ready (and in the right mindset) that you can make the decision to move forward.
Through the beginning of the year I was able to slowly drop about 20 pounds, but it wasn’t by any means structured. It was slow and messy, but at least it was something. It wasn’t until January of this year (2017) that I was TRULY ready. I’m still not exactly sure what it was. There was one day that I was flipping through my old Instagram photos, seeing all the progress photos from my Prep, realizing how much I’d let my body/physique go… Watching the Competitors I follow on Social Media and YouTube (plus my friends who Compete) share their progress through Prep and finally getting on stage; I found myself –> Jealous!! I kept thinking… Man, that is what I WANT! But then I suddenly realized that I HAD that, I just let it go! I >AM< capable of that!! That moment was my “Ah-Ha” moment. Someone had flipped the switch. I realized that I was the one throwing my health away. I was the reason I had gained back so much weight and was so unhappy. I was the only one who could change it all. It was time to make a change. Again…
So here I was. Basically back to square one. A place I never thought I would be again. I needed to lose weight. Wow, how embarrassing… But I was back to the place where I hated myself, I hated the scale. I was ready to have energy again and feel comfortable in my clothes. It was finally time to GET GOING. That same night I sat down with all my notes from Competing and made a plan. I was going to get fit, no more excuses.
I didn’t wait for Monday. I didn’t wait for a new month to start. I started right THEN. I was tired of making excuses and was ready to get back to the me I know was still there. The very next morning I went back onto my IIFYM Nutrition and started back on a training plan. I got out photos of my physique from Prep as motivation and jumped in with both feet!
So here I am, a little over on month into my new mindset. I finally feel like myself again. I love being able to say that today I am 11 pounds away from being back to my maintenance weight. It has been so surreal seeing how quickly the weight has fallen off by getting back into healthy eating and regular exercise. Not only has the weight come off, but I’m seeing muscular definition coming back. This is a huge relief to me because I was so fearful that I had thrown away all my muscular growth by neglecting my body for a year. Now, of course I have lost some size, but muscle memory has quickly become my best friend. I feel like I am rebuilding muscle quickly and I am quite proud of my physique! Even still being over my maintenance weight!
Looking forward, my number one goal for 2017 is to get on stage and compete in a Bikini Competition. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is what I want. I know that I want to be a Competitive Body Builder. I have already created a plan of action to help keep me focused and on track. Though some research I have found a new Competition Coach and am excited to get back into Prep.
Take note. Right now I am declaring this to the world. In 2017 I >>WILL<< be Competing in my first NPC Bikini Competition. I am excited, I am nervous, but I cannot wait to get started. This new year is going to hold plenty of new opportunities for me. I refuse to let myself down again. I AM capable, I AM strong, I CAN do this. —NO MORE EXCUSES—
So what is the moral of this rant??? I want you to see that I am a real person. I struggle too. Fitness does NOT come easy to me, as most assume it does. Yes, I may have been able to drop the weight and maintain it for 2 years, but in a moment of weakness I threw everything away. It took some serious time, a lot of mental stability, and a serious reality slap to find my way back.
I went from FAT to FIT to FAT Again. Right now I am back on the journey to Fit. After being through this experience I understand how easy it is to fall back into bad habits. I refuse to allow myself to go through that again. Although it has been a painful experience, I almost feel it was necessary. I learn some valuable lessons. By sharing my story it allows others to see that even I have faults and struggle with my fitness and weight. I know what its like to be overweight, feel successful by overcoming it and losing weight, but then the depression that comes from a relapse and gaining it all back again… It is definitely a difficult situation, but I PROMISE that you CAN overcome it. Believe in yourself.